Dear Son or Daughter

A few weeks ago we watched the movie October Baby.  We had been warned, but we still found ourselves  in our living room at midnight doing the "ugly cry" by the end of the movie. :)  Matt doesn't write much, but when he does, look out.  It'll knock your socks off.  At least, it always does mine.  He wrote a letter to our child after watching this movie, and I asked him if I could post it on the blog.

Dear Son or Daughter,

I haven't met you yet. I don't know when I will, and I have no idea what you will be like.  I don't know anything about you yet.  But I know this.  I love you as much as I have ever loved anything on this Earth.  I love you as much as your brother and your sister, who are more precious and dear to me than my own life.  I know with a certainty that I have only felt a few times in my life that God told me He had a very special baby for me and your mom, and that baby is you. All I have to do now is just wait for Him to bring us together. 

I have so many hopes and dreams for you.  Many of them are the same hopes and dreams I have for your brother and sister. I hope that you know and trust The Lord in a deeply intimate and personal way. I hope that you grow up to be happy and healthy and have a family of your own. I hope that you live a life that has meaning and purpose and has an impact on those around you. 

But I also hope that you know you belong. I am so scared that the world is going to tell you that you don't fit in.  It just isn't true and I pray that you never believe it.  I hope the fact that I want you is enough.  That doesn't mean that your birth parents don't want you. I don't know their story yet, but I know they do.  How could they not?  They'd be fools not to because you're perfect. 

It's part of every parent's nature to want to protect their kids from pain and hurt. This will be a very dated reference by the time you read this, and you won't have any idea what I'm talking about, but the movie Taken was so popular because every parent identifies with it. We all feel like we could tear apart an entire city just to protect our kids.  We do as much as we can, but eventually the hurt comes. I can't protect you from it.  That's the fear I'm facing now. The fear that the world is going to hurt you in a unique way that I am not equipped to deal with.  I can only close my eyes and pray and beg for God to protect you for me. To give you a confidence to know who you are. To know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. To know that you are wanted, that you were sought out and bought with a price because you have value and worth. 

You see adoption isn't just God's plan for your life. It is his perfect plan. He sought me out, he bought me for a very hefty price, he adopted me into his family because as his creation, I have value and worth to Him.

I cannot wait to meet you.  I cannot wait to see you grow up, and to teach you so many new things.  I know you're going to teach me a bunch of things as well.  We're going to have a lot of fun together.  Your mommy is sweet and kind and your brother and sister are awesome and so excited to meet you.  So until we get to meet, we're here waiting for you. Wanting you.

Love,

Dad 

Obedience

A few weeks ago, I was at Wal-Mart.  I got in line at the McDonald's at the front of the store for a drink.  A woman got in line behind me and we struck up a conversation.  She was an employee at Wal-Mart, which was one of her two jobs.  She told me she has 9 children, the youngest being 2 months old.  She didn't look much older than me.  She told me how much she loved them and how hard she was working to provide for them.  Her cell phone rang and she answered.  I heard God tell me to buy her meal or whatever she wanted. My turn came next in the line, so I ordered my drink and turned around to ask her what she wanted, but she was still on the phone, so I didn't do it.  I stepped to the side to wait for my drink and watched her pause her conversation and order a small coffee.  It was $1.08.  She began searching all of her pockets and looking around on the floor as if she had dropped some money.  I started toward the cashier, but the man behind her offered up a dollar and it was done.  My heart sank.  I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God had asked me to pay for that and I didn't do it.  I'll never know for sure, but I don't think there was ever a dollar in her pocket.  I think God wanted to show her He cared without her having to pretend anything.  I'm the one who missed out. God didn't need me. He used the man behind her to take care of it.  But God meant it for me.  

This incident coincides with a lot of things Matt and I have been hearing God tell us about obedience lately.    If you know us well, you've probably heard us at some point in our married life talk about adoption.  This topic goes back a LONG way for us, since before we were even married.  We have always known that God has called us to it.  We were sure about it even before we had children of our own.  The road to where we are at now was a long one.  I cannot take you all the way through it in this post.  You can read about it here if you want.  For the purposes of this post, I am going to attempt to cut to the chase and tell you where we are at right now.

We are working with an adoption agency called New Life Pregnancy Center.  We've been talking with them for a few months.  We had an initial meeting with them in November, and then in January, we told them that we were sure God was leading us to adopt through them, but wanted to wait until October of this year to begin the process.  Our 3 main reasons for this were: 1. Gracie is still so little  2. My precious sister and her husband are having their first son in May, AND  3. We needed time to organize, raise funds, plan, etc. to make this adoption possible.  (I laugh when I read that last sentence now....as if WE could ever really make an adoption possible.)  They responded that they completely understood, but that they felt they might need adoptive families sooner.  They asked if they could call us if this situation arose.  We somewhat reluctantly said yes, we would pray and consider stepping up our timetable if a situation arose, but October was still where we were leaning.

So, since then, we have been reading, planning, and working on lots of paperwork.  Our homestudy was scheduled to begin in April.  We were feeling good.  In control.  That should have been our first clue....

Then, on Saturday, March 9th, we got an email from New Life saying that they have birthmothers who are considering adoption.  Would we consider stepping up our timetable?

Talk about a FREAK OUT.

Here are some things I read and that were said to me in the days leading up to this email.  I've already told you about my Wal-Mart lesson.  God has been speaking and at some points, almost shouting at me.

From Job 38. "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?  Tell me, if you understand.  Who marked off its dimensions?  Surely you know!" (verses 4-5)  "Can you raise your voice to the clouds and cover yourself with a flood of water?  Do you send the lightning bolts on their way?  Do they report to you, 'Here we are'?  Who endowed the heart with wisdom or gave understanding to the mind?" (verses 34-36)

From my son, Gray, as we lay in his bed one night, out of nowhere as he drifted off to sleep, "Mommy, God has everything in the whole world under control."  Gray, who told you that?  "No one. I just know it."

From a dear friend, Psalm 140:12 "I know that the Lord secures justice for the poor and upholds the cause of the needy."

From Psalm 139: 16 "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

From Proverbs 16:9 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."

From Psalm 127:1 "Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain."

From my mom (said in the most encouraging and supportive way): "I think God is looking for a willing and obedient heart, not your timetable."  Thanks, Mom.  :)  My mom is awesome.

From my sister and her husband: "God is moving. His timing is perfect."

From Gray as I told him a little about these mommies and babies and how we may bring a baby into our family: "Why just one baby, mommy?"  :)

I could go on, but the point is, God is moving us forward. This was not our timetable or our plan, but Gray and Gracie didn't happen in the timing we "planned" either.  Ha!  With all our hearts, we want to be obedient.  So, we're following where He leads and asking Him to help us walk through His open doors and to shut doors when it's not His plan or His way.

Over the course of 8 days, we completed our home study from start to finish.  That is not normal.  A home study at our agency is a series of interviews with the agency, an environmental inspection of our home, a fire inspection of our home, CPR training, fingerprinting, creating profile pages (pictures) of our family, writing Dear Birthmother letters and autobiographies, creating a video of our home and family, and a final home visit with the director of the agency.  Not to mention all the cleaning and organizing done to a home when all of these people are coming to "judge" it!!!  All of this was accomplished from Monday, March 18th through Monday, March 25th.  During that week, Matt continued working, I continued tutoring, we continued caring for our children (of course!), we traveled to Austin and back for our niece's birthday, and Gracie cut 3 molars and an incisor, so sleep was not exactly happening.  So, there is no explanation for a home study being completed except GOD.  We could have never done all of that in our own strength.  It's really all a blur to me.  I just know He provided every single step of the way, giving us strength and energy that was not our own.

So, now that our home study is complete, birthmothers will begin to view our profile.  If we are chosen, we will get a call and be able to meet with her.  If not, our profile will go to the birthmother who is due next, and so on.  Honestly, it's kind of a weird place to be.  Like we could get a baby next month or in many months.  There's really no way to make a true plan.  That works so hard against my personality.  But, for whatever reason, God saw fit to rush our home study.  So, now we are ready, and we wait and see who this little person is that God has been speaking to us about for so many years.

We are thrilled, ecstatic, a little terrified, and thankful that God has brought us here.  We look at each other all the time and say, "This is crazy," but we know for certain we are exactly where God wants us, and that's enough for us right now.  When we look at our almost 10 years of marriage, all we can think is just how FAITHFUL God has been to us.  So, we'll just wait right here until He makes His next move.   

We felt this blog would be important because obviously, there will be a new little face in our family pictures soon, and you might wonder where they came from.  It will also serve as a record of our journey to him or her.  Hopefully, it will encourage others as so many adoption blogs have done for us.  And MOST importantly, we pray it will be a testament to our God who adopted us, who redeemed us, who sets the lonely in families, and who provides all we need and more for the praise of His glory.

If you want to know more about our agency, click the New Life tab at the top.  If you want to know a little more about our specific adoption, click FAQ.  If you want to support us, click The Missing Piece at the top or to the right.  We welcome your questions and comments and covet your prayers.  Thank you so much for reading this.

I did not design this blog myself as I am not that talented. :)  Notice the Slightly Askew Design link to the right.  Her name is Andrea, and she's been such a blessing to me.  She does everything.  Go check her out!