Look What God Has Done!

It's been a while!  I have not had any "big" news to post and our summer has been fast and furious, so I've not done much blogging.  Like I said, we don't have "big news" as far as a baby goes, but God has been at work nonetheless.  Here are some details about where we've been and where we are currently at in this process and some honest truths I've come to learn so far.

Since our homestudy at the end of March, there have been 5 possible birthmothers that we have been contacted about.  The first ended up considering a different agency, so she never even saw our profile.  We found out this was going to be the case on the last day of our homestudy.  To be honest, it kind of took the wind out of our sails.  Even though 8 days prior to that, we had thought it was crazy to take a baby so quickly, we had already grown accustomed to the idea and were excited about what it seemed God was doing.  So, we were disappointed and thought to ourselves, "Why did God rush this if He knew the whole time she would change her mind.?"  At the end of our final meeting, we walked Sara (New Life's director) out to her car, and as she drove off, I went to check the mail.  There was a card from a dear friend and a check for our "growing family."  She was aware of our desire to adopt, but not of the recent events.  When I talked to her later, she said she just felted prompted by God to send that check.  It covered almost the exact cost of all the inspections and certifications we had just paid for during the 8 days of our homestudy.  Did God have that timed perfectly or what??  It was just what we needed in that moment to confirm in our hearts that we were on the right path.

A few weeks passed and a second call came.  That birthmother changed her mind and never came to the appointment.

Shortly after that call, we attended a training day at New Life.  We met several other couples who had just "rushed" their homestudies just like us.  So, at the time of the training, there were a handful of us available for placements.  They all looked as dazed as we did.  :)  Sweet sweet people.  I've mentioned it before, but it was a great training day.  I felt like I was trying to soak up every last nugget of wisdom.

That training day was at the beginning of May.  Since then, there have been 3 birthmothers to our knowledge who have viewed our profile and each has chosen another family.  Here's what is true.....1.  They have made excellent choices.  Like I said, I met some of the other couples and if it's any of them, they were amazing.  2.  They made the choices that God ordained.  He is in charge and working in all things.  3.  That means none of the mommies and babies so far were meant for our family.  4.  His timing is perfect.

I know these things I listed.  I believe them with all my heart.  BUT, I definitely dealt with some feelings of "rejection."  I have felt confused because we didn't go looking to start an adoption this early.  It wasn't on our radar until at least after Gracie turned two.  So, what was the point of the rush if nothing was going to happen?

God is so good.  I don't know for sure the answer to that question, but I have some glimpses of the answer.  The day after our homestudy completed, Matt's boss had a major heart attack.  He is okay thank goodness, but A LOT of work fell on Matt.  It has slowed down now as his boss is back to work, but it's still crazy.  How could we have ever completed a homestudy if we had started even one week later?  We couldn't have.  God knew.  And I know us......we would have said no.  We would have thought it was the wrong time.

A few months ago, Sugar Land got some HEAVY rain.  Gray's room flooded and the carpet was ruined. We had tossed around the idea of replacing carpet in our bedrooms before, but decided now wasn't the time to spend the money.  Well, God decided for us.  So, as we started moving furniture out to prepare for the carpet guys, my mom (the decorating genius) gave us the idea of moving our bedroom to the playroom, freeing up one of our bedrooms for a new baby.  Our original plan was just to put the baby with us at first and then bunk 2 of the kids up, depending on if it is a boy or girl.  We LOVE the new arrangement, plus we got a chance to clean out closets, organize, etc.  I think it's "nesting" at its' finest. Matt put his craftsman skills to work and built us a nice closet into the room, and we are adding a cool barn door to separate our bedroom from the rest of the house.  Also,  it feels SO wonderful to have a room ready for a baby.  If we had done our homestudy one month later (which was the original plan,) we would have had a house with a flooded bedroom and been trying to recarpet while attempting to complete inspections.  That would have been nearly impossible.  God knew.  And now we have our house ready and (somewhat) organized, which is a blessing and feels so good.

Our biggest obstacle (that we felt) to move ahead with an adoption right now was finances.  We had what we needed to start the process, but definitely not what was needed to complete it.  This was one of the major reasons we were going to wait, so we could figure out how we were going to pay for this.  When the agency contacted us in March and we were certain God was calling us to this, we told them our concerns.  An arrangement was made that would give us more time to pay for it if we were to indeed receive a baby very quickly.  That made us feel a little better, but we were still very nervous.  Was this irresponsible?  I remember a conversation I had with a friend at church the Sunday after all this began.  I told her we were worried about finances, and she said to me, "April, your Heavenly Father has all the money in the world."  Of course, I thought it was a nice thing to say and I believed it, but not really that it would be true for me.  I'm ashamed at my lack of faith.  I'm ashamed that I knew for certain that God was calling us to this but didn't fully believe He would cover it.  And you know what happened in the last few months?  God Paid For It. Every Penny.  I've read blogs and heard testimonies of God miraculously providing for people, but I struggled to believe He would really do that for me.  Let me just say, if God calls you to something, HE WILL PROVIDE.  You don't need to worry one more second about it.

Four months ago, God started this process.  We did not have anything ready.  But today, we are ready.  Maybe not for the sleepless nights and raising 3 kids (ha!), but our home is ready.  And our bill is paid.  And God has taught us some priceless truths.  If I only ever really say ONE important thing on this blog or if you only ever remember ONE thing I wrote, let it be this.....Matt and I can take no credit for this adoption.  God has done all of this.  The best way I can think to describe it is that it feels like we keep blinking too long and these huge hurdles are cleared.  Things that were Mountains to us, like a homestudy and finances, He has made into plains right before our eyes.  We've barely had to lift a finger.  And to be honest, even though He has never wavered in showing us that this is His plan, we have lacked faith every step of the way.  He has sent us friends and family who have had faith for us.  He "rushed" us to get ready for this because we would have dragged our feet......in fact, we were dragging our feet, because while we knew we were called to this, while we have a passion for adoption, this felt too big for us.  It is too big for us.  That's why He in a lot of ways, has moved us out of the way, and we have just gotten a front row seat to His show.  That's really the truth.  Someone said to me recently how much they admire us for adopting.  Let me be clear.....while I appreciate the kind words, there is nothing to admire here.

Let me close with this......Little baby, whoever you are, your adoption has been paid for twice.  The first time when the Son of God died for your salvation and mine.  And the second when He perfectly aligned events and circumstances in our little lives to bring you to our family.  We love you, we love your birthparents, and we are anxiously waiting until He brings us all together.

Pictures & Waiting

We took some pictures a few weeks ago with our beloved friend and photographer, Katie.  We worked in some adoption pictures, which was so fun and something we can't wait to show our son or daughter someday.

Waiting on a little baby to fill those boots :)

Praying for our little "missing piece."  Gracie's expression cracks me up.

This might be my favorite family picture to date because of the priceless expressions on G & G.  So true to life. :)

If you're wondering if we have any news, we don't.  We're still waiting on that phone call.  When God seemed to "rush" our process in March, we thought we'd have a baby by now.  Just goes to show you never really know what He's up to, just that it's good and you can trust Him.  He has continued to bless us in the last few months, providing for our EVERY need and never letting a doubt linger in our minds for very long that we are exactly where He wants us.  Truly, I can't even type that last sentence without tearing up.  On days where we've needed it the most, He has sent us encouragers with calls, texts, and emails.  We have opened up checks in the mail that provide for exactly the amounts we need.  We have heard Him speak to us through His Word.  His presence has been very real, and His assurance that we are not crazy and did in fact hear Him correctly has been constant.  So, we keep waiting.....and in the meantime, we are super excited about a fun summer with Gray Man and Gracie Girl.  :)

And thank you to KatieLee Photography for the awesome pictures!!!!

Lately

Here's some things that have happened lately in this process if you're interested.

About 2 weeks ago, we attended New Life's 30th birthday celebration.  They have completed 444 adoptions so far in their 30 years.  There were newborns to people in their 20's there who have been adopted through New Life.  SO COOL.  There were tables and tables of birth families mixed with adoptive families and the children they both love so very much.  It was beautiful.  At our table, we sat across from a couple who kept mentioning their 3 year old daughter.  So, when I got a chance, I asked the wife about their adoption experience, assuming they had adopted their 3 year old through New Life.  She said, "No!  She's my biological daughter. I'm a birthmom."  It completely took my breath away.  I've learned not to make assumptions anymore!  She placed her first daughter for adoption 16 years ago, and she proceeded to tell me this wonderful story of the family that adopted her daughter and how awesome they are and how they spend holidays together.  She then pulled out her phone and showed me picture after picture of a beautiful 16 year old holding her 3 year old half-sister.  It was a glimpse of what Matt and I pray every day happens for us.  It was not our first glimpse though.  We've been watching a beautiful adoption story for years now.  We have a family member who was adopted by a wonderful Christian couple.  She was a flower girl in our wedding, and we see her every Christmas.  We love her adoptive family.  God worked all things together for good in that situation, and I've been on the receiving end of the blessing since she was born.  She has brought joy to 2 families.  I know how amazing adoption can be.  So, we PRAY and PRAY that this is the kind of story we can tell at New Life's next celebration dinner.

The evening went on with stories from adoptive families and birthparents telling how great God is and how He has worked all things for good.  The theme running through all of them was that ultimately, adoption is God's plan for all of us as it says in Ephesians 1:5...."he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will..."  Adoption is a picture of the Gospel.  Towards the end of the evening, a birthmother sang a song she wrote for her son while she was pregnant with him.  It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard.  I fought sobbing so hard that I had a horrible headache when we left.  It was just really overwhelming to see God's work in all of these people's lives.

The day after the birthday dinner, we attended a friend's wedding.  This friend is our photographer as well, and I had been noticing some pictures on her blog of a girl I went to high school with.  She was a year older than me, and I didn't know her well, but I recognized her as soon as I saw her.  Her most recent pictures showed her with her husband and two boys and a new adopted baby girl.  I sort of wanted to contact her, but after not seeing each other for almost 15 years, I thought it might be kind of weird.  So, I just enjoyed her pictures.  But, then I saw her and her beautiful baby girl at the wedding!!!!  We got to talk at the reception, and guess which agency she adopted her precious daughter through?!?!  Yes!  What are the odds?  Such a sweet blessing to me.

This past Saturday, we went to an all-day training at New Life.  These trainings are mandatory with our agency, and for good reason.  It was awesome and so informative.  We sat right next to my friend from high school and her husband, so that was fun.  We met so many neat couples, all at different places in this process.  Just like anything else, you can learn a lot from books and teaching sessions, but there's nothing like talking to someone who has either been through what you're doing or is right in the thick of it with you.  Priceless.

So, other than all of this, we're just here, waiting on what we've learned is referred to as THE CALL in adoption world.  It hasn't come yet, and that's okay.  We'll let ya know when it does.  :)

Dear Son or Daughter

A few weeks ago we watched the movie October Baby.  We had been warned, but we still found ourselves  in our living room at midnight doing the "ugly cry" by the end of the movie. :)  Matt doesn't write much, but when he does, look out.  It'll knock your socks off.  At least, it always does mine.  He wrote a letter to our child after watching this movie, and I asked him if I could post it on the blog.

Dear Son or Daughter,

I haven't met you yet. I don't know when I will, and I have no idea what you will be like.  I don't know anything about you yet.  But I know this.  I love you as much as I have ever loved anything on this Earth.  I love you as much as your brother and your sister, who are more precious and dear to me than my own life.  I know with a certainty that I have only felt a few times in my life that God told me He had a very special baby for me and your mom, and that baby is you. All I have to do now is just wait for Him to bring us together. 

I have so many hopes and dreams for you.  Many of them are the same hopes and dreams I have for your brother and sister. I hope that you know and trust The Lord in a deeply intimate and personal way. I hope that you grow up to be happy and healthy and have a family of your own. I hope that you live a life that has meaning and purpose and has an impact on those around you. 

But I also hope that you know you belong. I am so scared that the world is going to tell you that you don't fit in.  It just isn't true and I pray that you never believe it.  I hope the fact that I want you is enough.  That doesn't mean that your birth parents don't want you. I don't know their story yet, but I know they do.  How could they not?  They'd be fools not to because you're perfect. 

It's part of every parent's nature to want to protect their kids from pain and hurt. This will be a very dated reference by the time you read this, and you won't have any idea what I'm talking about, but the movie Taken was so popular because every parent identifies with it. We all feel like we could tear apart an entire city just to protect our kids.  We do as much as we can, but eventually the hurt comes. I can't protect you from it.  That's the fear I'm facing now. The fear that the world is going to hurt you in a unique way that I am not equipped to deal with.  I can only close my eyes and pray and beg for God to protect you for me. To give you a confidence to know who you are. To know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. To know that you are wanted, that you were sought out and bought with a price because you have value and worth. 

You see adoption isn't just God's plan for your life. It is his perfect plan. He sought me out, he bought me for a very hefty price, he adopted me into his family because as his creation, I have value and worth to Him.

I cannot wait to meet you.  I cannot wait to see you grow up, and to teach you so many new things.  I know you're going to teach me a bunch of things as well.  We're going to have a lot of fun together.  Your mommy is sweet and kind and your brother and sister are awesome and so excited to meet you.  So until we get to meet, we're here waiting for you. Wanting you.

Love,

Dad 

Obedience

A few weeks ago, I was at Wal-Mart.  I got in line at the McDonald's at the front of the store for a drink.  A woman got in line behind me and we struck up a conversation.  She was an employee at Wal-Mart, which was one of her two jobs.  She told me she has 9 children, the youngest being 2 months old.  She didn't look much older than me.  She told me how much she loved them and how hard she was working to provide for them.  Her cell phone rang and she answered.  I heard God tell me to buy her meal or whatever she wanted. My turn came next in the line, so I ordered my drink and turned around to ask her what she wanted, but she was still on the phone, so I didn't do it.  I stepped to the side to wait for my drink and watched her pause her conversation and order a small coffee.  It was $1.08.  She began searching all of her pockets and looking around on the floor as if she had dropped some money.  I started toward the cashier, but the man behind her offered up a dollar and it was done.  My heart sank.  I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God had asked me to pay for that and I didn't do it.  I'll never know for sure, but I don't think there was ever a dollar in her pocket.  I think God wanted to show her He cared without her having to pretend anything.  I'm the one who missed out. God didn't need me. He used the man behind her to take care of it.  But God meant it for me.  

This incident coincides with a lot of things Matt and I have been hearing God tell us about obedience lately.    If you know us well, you've probably heard us at some point in our married life talk about adoption.  This topic goes back a LONG way for us, since before we were even married.  We have always known that God has called us to it.  We were sure about it even before we had children of our own.  The road to where we are at now was a long one.  I cannot take you all the way through it in this post.  You can read about it here if you want.  For the purposes of this post, I am going to attempt to cut to the chase and tell you where we are at right now.

We are working with an adoption agency called New Life Pregnancy Center.  We've been talking with them for a few months.  We had an initial meeting with them in November, and then in January, we told them that we were sure God was leading us to adopt through them, but wanted to wait until October of this year to begin the process.  Our 3 main reasons for this were: 1. Gracie is still so little  2. My precious sister and her husband are having their first son in May, AND  3. We needed time to organize, raise funds, plan, etc. to make this adoption possible.  (I laugh when I read that last sentence now....as if WE could ever really make an adoption possible.)  They responded that they completely understood, but that they felt they might need adoptive families sooner.  They asked if they could call us if this situation arose.  We somewhat reluctantly said yes, we would pray and consider stepping up our timetable if a situation arose, but October was still where we were leaning.

So, since then, we have been reading, planning, and working on lots of paperwork.  Our homestudy was scheduled to begin in April.  We were feeling good.  In control.  That should have been our first clue....

Then, on Saturday, March 9th, we got an email from New Life saying that they have birthmothers who are considering adoption.  Would we consider stepping up our timetable?

Talk about a FREAK OUT.

Here are some things I read and that were said to me in the days leading up to this email.  I've already told you about my Wal-Mart lesson.  God has been speaking and at some points, almost shouting at me.

From Job 38. "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?  Tell me, if you understand.  Who marked off its dimensions?  Surely you know!" (verses 4-5)  "Can you raise your voice to the clouds and cover yourself with a flood of water?  Do you send the lightning bolts on their way?  Do they report to you, 'Here we are'?  Who endowed the heart with wisdom or gave understanding to the mind?" (verses 34-36)

From my son, Gray, as we lay in his bed one night, out of nowhere as he drifted off to sleep, "Mommy, God has everything in the whole world under control."  Gray, who told you that?  "No one. I just know it."

From a dear friend, Psalm 140:12 "I know that the Lord secures justice for the poor and upholds the cause of the needy."

From Psalm 139: 16 "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

From Proverbs 16:9 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."

From Psalm 127:1 "Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain."

From my mom (said in the most encouraging and supportive way): "I think God is looking for a willing and obedient heart, not your timetable."  Thanks, Mom.  :)  My mom is awesome.

From my sister and her husband: "God is moving. His timing is perfect."

From Gray as I told him a little about these mommies and babies and how we may bring a baby into our family: "Why just one baby, mommy?"  :)

I could go on, but the point is, God is moving us forward. This was not our timetable or our plan, but Gray and Gracie didn't happen in the timing we "planned" either.  Ha!  With all our hearts, we want to be obedient.  So, we're following where He leads and asking Him to help us walk through His open doors and to shut doors when it's not His plan or His way.

Over the course of 8 days, we completed our home study from start to finish.  That is not normal.  A home study at our agency is a series of interviews with the agency, an environmental inspection of our home, a fire inspection of our home, CPR training, fingerprinting, creating profile pages (pictures) of our family, writing Dear Birthmother letters and autobiographies, creating a video of our home and family, and a final home visit with the director of the agency.  Not to mention all the cleaning and organizing done to a home when all of these people are coming to "judge" it!!!  All of this was accomplished from Monday, March 18th through Monday, March 25th.  During that week, Matt continued working, I continued tutoring, we continued caring for our children (of course!), we traveled to Austin and back for our niece's birthday, and Gracie cut 3 molars and an incisor, so sleep was not exactly happening.  So, there is no explanation for a home study being completed except GOD.  We could have never done all of that in our own strength.  It's really all a blur to me.  I just know He provided every single step of the way, giving us strength and energy that was not our own.

So, now that our home study is complete, birthmothers will begin to view our profile.  If we are chosen, we will get a call and be able to meet with her.  If not, our profile will go to the birthmother who is due next, and so on.  Honestly, it's kind of a weird place to be.  Like we could get a baby next month or in many months.  There's really no way to make a true plan.  That works so hard against my personality.  But, for whatever reason, God saw fit to rush our home study.  So, now we are ready, and we wait and see who this little person is that God has been speaking to us about for so many years.

We are thrilled, ecstatic, a little terrified, and thankful that God has brought us here.  We look at each other all the time and say, "This is crazy," but we know for certain we are exactly where God wants us, and that's enough for us right now.  When we look at our almost 10 years of marriage, all we can think is just how FAITHFUL God has been to us.  So, we'll just wait right here until He makes His next move.   

We felt this blog would be important because obviously, there will be a new little face in our family pictures soon, and you might wonder where they came from.  It will also serve as a record of our journey to him or her.  Hopefully, it will encourage others as so many adoption blogs have done for us.  And MOST importantly, we pray it will be a testament to our God who adopted us, who redeemed us, who sets the lonely in families, and who provides all we need and more for the praise of His glory.

If you want to know more about our agency, click the New Life tab at the top.  If you want to know a little more about our specific adoption, click FAQ.  If you want to support us, click The Missing Piece at the top or to the right.  We welcome your questions and comments and covet your prayers.  Thank you so much for reading this.

I did not design this blog myself as I am not that talented. :)  Notice the Slightly Askew Design link to the right.  Her name is Andrea, and she's been such a blessing to me.  She does everything.  Go check her out!